Sunday, October 10, 2010

This is real.

The first few weeks I was home was a blur. I was in a fog. Physically, I was here but mentally and emotionally I was some place else. My phone was ringing off the hook, random people were showing up at my door. State troopers, investigators, domestic violence advocates all wanted to talk to me. They kept saying this was one of the most heinous crimes they have seen in awhile. I didn't want to talk. I had nothing to say. Everyone wanted pictures. The first few times wasn't that bad. I knew these people were trying to do their jobs.  After awhile I got really sick of it. These people who were taking pictures kept saying "we are trying to help you", " We need you to lift your shirt up, we need you to stand to the side, we need you to do this, we need to do that". I felt like I was being abused and violated all over again. I hated it. I felt like a robot. I did whatever they told me to do. I just wanted them to leave me alone. I just wanted to be by myself.   I remember standing there , just in a daze while they were taking pictures of my injuries and I kept thinking of him. I was wondering how he was doing and that I hoped he was okay in jail. I know it sounds stupid. I can't tell you why I was thinking that after what he had done to me.
 Two weeks ago I had to go speak to the victim witness advocate. It was the first time I had seen the pictures.  I didn't believe the girl  in the pictures was me. I can't even think of a word that describes how horrible these pictures are. The pictures were close ups of my face, in color, blood all over my clothes, I was curled up in a  ball on the ground.  It was when I saw a certain  picture that I said to myself, this is real. This really happened to me. I kept trying to tell myself that it wasn't me. I am not that girl. I am too smart to let something like this happen to me.
 It's been about 3 and a half months since it has happened. Physically, my injuries are gone. Mentally and emotionally my injuries are still here, in full force. I don't trust anyone. No one. I don't trust family, I don't trust friends. I don't trust the court system. No one.  I replay that night in June in my head every day. I replay the whole relationship in my head. Facing yourself is one of the hardest things to do after you have been through something like this.  I can't even face myself. Maybe because I am too scared to see what's in there, maybe because I am not ready. I don't know. I just know I don't want face myself. I can't look at myself in the mirror for more than 5 seconds.  When I do look at myself in the mirror, I see nothing. I see an emptiness. I can't explain it. There is just nothing there. & whatever was there before is now gone. It's like I am looking at a ghost.

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