Sunday, October 23, 2011

Realization and Reflection

After having been through something like this every 6 months or so you come to these pivotal turning points that either make you or break you when it comes to domestic violence.  To still have people telling me a year and a half later that I am lucky to be alive means a lot to me and truly makes me thankful for so many things.  The abuse I went through for years was a horrible thing, but now that time has passed I am able to see the beauty and truth in something so incredibly ugly. If you have never read the Tao Te Ching , I suggest you read it. 
I still have dreams of that night and of the other beatings. They are vivid but they don't occur as much as they used to.  Many people tell me I would make a great domestic violence advocate but my passion isn't in that area. It hits to close to home and I am not ready for that. Maybe years down the road but not right now. That is why  I enjoy working with juveniles so much  now.  If I can make a positive impact on them now then I may be able to change their future path for the better.
 I guess what brought this whole writing session  was because the man who did this to me contacted me this weekend.  I wasn't really to mentally deal with it. I wasn't ready to hear his voice or even exchange text messages with him. . He just isn't a typical ex he's the man who left me for dead in the woods. And if I ever told my family he contacted me shit would literally hit the fan. I just feel that somethings are left for me to deal with and process in my own time and on my own level. Which is something my family doesn't understand. They also don't understand the fact that I have no hate or bitterness towards him. I wholeheartedly  hope that he excels in whatever goals and dreams  he tries to meet.
Sometimes you get stuck in a moment and people are so quick to try and get out of that moment and run from it.. instead of running from it.. embrace it and just be in the moment with being stuck. Don't dwell on it. Don't let it eat you alive, but in order for you to grow and become better, spend time with that stuck  moment so you are fully able to take away every learning experience you can.Maybe you are being a stuck moment for a reason.
I  have had an easier life than some yet a more difficult like than others.
 I guess I am just dealing with all these feelings  that I can't even describe or label and maybe it's supposed to be that way right now. Sitting in your feelings and figuring out the primary cause as to why you are feeling that  is a hard thing to do..When I was feeling these things before I would drink because I didn't even want to deal with them or even accept them.
When I look back to a year and a half ago and realize at where I am now and how happy and content I am with the way things in my life are now I wouldn't have believed it for a minute. I am not saying I am 100% healed because by no means am I. Sharing my experiences and my story help me to organize my thoughts and feelings. I am constantly evolving. Things I used to believe in I no longer  believe in and things that I never thought even existed are now  the most important components of  my life .
Every time I wake up and look at myself in the mirror I am still amazed to see my face and the rest of my body without a bruise . Some people may think I am cocky or whatever but that's not it at all.. its the fact of not looking at myself with black eyes and broken noses or fat lips What a truly amazing feeling it is.. People don't realize how beautiful they truly are until that beauty has been taken away .

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

fuck my feelings

 I haven't written in a while so I am not even sure where to begin.... so much has happened in the last few months.. more so on a self worth & self respect growth level than anything else.. I still think about him.. every day... I can't get him out of my head and it sucks..  I have constant daily reminders of him because of what a serious situation it evolved into.  I would love to sit here and honestly say I don't love him anymore but there are, unfortunately, still parts of me that are still in love with him. Which makes this whole "healing process"  a hell of a lot harder.  I keep expecting myself to just wake up in the morning and be completely over the situation.  People are always asking me, " why and how could you still be in love with him after what he did to you?" the best answer I can give people is,  that it is just like any other break up when you are trying to get over someone. I guess it just takes time.. I never thought I would be so affected by what he did to me..I'm still, till this day having nightmares. I hate sleeping because of it and the only time I don't have nightmares about it is when I get drunk and pass out. For a few months I was drinking a lot.. just to get to sleep and not remember anything I dreamed about.. it seemed to be the only way I could sleep. I haven't drank heavily in a few weeks...  I've been out to have a few beers but not completely  black out drunk like I was getting. 

I still don't trust anyone.. not a single person.. not even anyone in my family..  I  hope that one day, that changes and I am able to trust at least one person. It's an empty cold world when you have no one to trust.

Once again the physical damage is gone but the mental damage is still there. I just want one day where I don't think about it. Just one day. I am constantly taking pictures of myself and looking at them and looking at my self in the mirror... and that's not on some cocky or conceded shit. It's because I am finally able to see my actual face without bruises, black eyes, or a broken nose.  It's been 10 months since I have had a bruise or broken bone and I can't even begin to explain what  that feels like. Or I guess I should say since the last beating because the bruises from the last beating stayed for months, it looked like I had permanent black eyes this past summer.

I think my true test is going to be when he gets out of prison and the strength and courage for me to stay away from him. I know he's going to contact me when he gets out. I got mail from him today. Two cards and two letters. I opened one of the cards.. it was a belated birthday card. He wrote, " I promise to make it up to you every single day for the rest of my life. I love you and miss you endlessly. You will always be my sweetheart."
uughh.. I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I'm writing this... I don't even know what to say or think.. Half of me is disgusted and the other half of me thinks, "what if he truly changes?" I am literally torn in two. I always tell myself , "one day at a time Court" just take it one day at a time...  but this one day at a time bullshit pep talk is no longer working. 

I have had to re-establish everything about myself. From the ground up. Everything I have ever believed in I questioned. Everything. Who I was as a person, my whole entire existence in this world I questioned. I had no idea who I was. I am slowly starting to figure that out. It seems like this whole issue has brought me to this "rebirth" stage in my life.. it's like I am snake shedding my old skin... but I'm stuck at that point where half of me is new skin and the other  half of me is the old skin that is slowly shedding off... I keep trying to push the old skin off but the more I try to push it off the harder it gets to let go... I guess when it's ready to come off, it will on its own. I am in a rush tho.. I want to hurry up and be the person I'm meant to be because I am excited about this whole transformation. I wake up every  morning expecting to feel different but I don't.

This summer I made an oath to myself.. this is it... 
 "I pledge to become a Reborn Virgin and preserve my virginity, despite my prior conduct. As of this moment in time, my past is forgiven and forgotten as I now go forth to lead the life I desire to live. I promise to make myself my foremost priority, and nurture a full, rich and rewarding life of my own making. I will never put myself in peril by engaging in risky behavior. I will not generate or tolerate unhealthy relationships in my life. I pledge to practice abstinence (no sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation, or touching genitals) until after I am married. I promise to marry my best friend, someone I've dated for at least a full year and someone I've come to know inside and out. I vow to constantly work on my marriage, to make it strong and viable so I can appreciate it for the rest of my life. I pledge to be open and honest in my spousal relationship.If there's trauma in our marriage, we will work out our troubles with the guidance of a therapist, counselor or religious leader. I pledge to live the life of a Reborn Virgin, and promise these things in my heart."

I have been able to keep this oath.. it's been almost a year! I have been able to gain self respect and self worth and  I feel like a whole different person on a sexual level. I honestly can't believe I have been able to uphold this.. I mean almost a year with no sex.. I haven't even kissed a guy! Sure, I am sexually frustrated and have my moments where I just want to be bent over the couch, etc. etc., but to be able to give the man I love and who truly loves me, my reborn virginity means more to me than a quick fix. 

that's it for now.. I am going to take a hot shower and try to relax.... 

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Alis Grave Nil

Alis Grave Nil (nothing is heavy to those who have wings)

I felt motivated and inspired to write so I am going to do just that. Maybe some where in these words you will find motivation and inspiration as well or maybe not. My mind gets flooded with thoughts and other clutter that just needs to be let out from time to time. I have come to the basic conclusion that I have no idea what I am doing in life. When it comes down to it, I just go with the flow and deal with shit day to day and if you know me, you know I don't take the easy road or pick the easier choice out of situations. I tend to make things difficult. Some call it stubbornness, I call it, courage with a tid bit of defiance. Well behaved women rarely make history. Right?!

How many of you can wake up in the morning, look at yourself naked in the mirror and honestly say to yourself, “ I love who I am on the outside and inside”? I am sure not many, we don't see that kinda shit anymore and that's sad. I have finally gotten to the point where I can do this and it feels incredible! I'll be 27 in a few months and it's taken me all these years to realize this. Being able to look at myself in the mirror and love who is looking back has been one of my greatest battles. & you know what they say, “the greatest battles are the ones you fight against you”. That shit is so true. I had so many demons, skeletons, and regrets looking back at me in the mirror & I hated what I saw. I was absolutely disgusted in who I had become and I knew I had to change that. This was a great challenge to me because I have been physically broken down & mentally broken down by guys that said they loved me, and other people in my life that said they would always be there for me, just to have them turn their backs on me when shit got deep.
I have embraced every challenge, every choice I made, and every struggle I have ever gone through in this life and gave them love. When I was done being able to fully love & embrace those things I was able to love my physical appearance, which really wasn't difficult at all because once you face the darkness inside of you, you can face anything. I am beautiful. You are beautiful in your self-hood. Embrace your true beauty & know deep inside that you will survive. Luceat Lux Vestra. (Let your light shine)

One thing I have found out about myself in the last few years is that I believe in reincarnation and enlightenment. You need to stop waiting for things to come to you because that's not how shit works. Everything in this life is waiting to be received by you. When your soul is ready for it, it will be there. You can't get things that your soul isn't ready to have or handle yet. So just relax. My potential far exceeds what this lifetime can give me & I can't wait for the next one. This world is simply an illusion. I can't tell you what is beyond this world but I know its good. What we have been taught by society are the necessities of human survival. We have worn these belief systems as part of our costumes our whole lives. Our physical appearance is part of this costume. Just like when kids get dressed up for Halloween. I often ask God or whoever or whatever is up there , “why am I going through all this crap?” I mean really enough is enough already. At some point I stopped asking why me and why not me. I have realized that my soul is strong enough to handle all of these things. My soul has taken on some of these struggles and challenges because other souls weren't strong enough to handle them and I have chosen to suffer for them because the pain was to great for them to deal with. To me that is really empowering & I love & respect my soul more for it. When you have finally found your willingness to learn from everything, absolutely nothing in this world is wrong.

I have gotten to this point in my life by love and forgiveness. Without those things I would be a miserable person. I have been able to forgive myself for choices I have made. I have been able to forgive every single person who has ever hurt me physically,verbally and mentally. That is not easy. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I do have my bad days just like everyone else. When you finally get rid of old pain and forgive people, you are brought to another level of love. Not only love for yourself but love for others as well. Remember your past is your golden set of encyclopedias of learning, knowledge, and experiences to help you be a better person. Luctor Et Emergo ( I struggle and emerge)

Love is something that is unexplainable. I certainly cannot explain it. I can feel it and it feels amazing. Love for yourself, love for others, love for everything in this life is the driving force behind every human. As a person, mother and someday a wife, my love has no limits. You need to understand there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Don't search for love if you are lonely because nothing good will come out of that.. at least from what I have experienced. It's okay to be alone. I am alone a lot of the time and I think that is why I have grown so much as a person. I have had the time to search within myself and change the things that needed to be changed & learned to love myself on a whole different level.

I am ready for whatever the universe throws at me and welcome whatever it is with open loving arms.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

This is real.

The first few weeks I was home was a blur. I was in a fog. Physically, I was here but mentally and emotionally I was some place else. My phone was ringing off the hook, random people were showing up at my door. State troopers, investigators, domestic violence advocates all wanted to talk to me. They kept saying this was one of the most heinous crimes they have seen in awhile. I didn't want to talk. I had nothing to say. Everyone wanted pictures. The first few times wasn't that bad. I knew these people were trying to do their jobs.  After awhile I got really sick of it. These people who were taking pictures kept saying "we are trying to help you", " We need you to lift your shirt up, we need you to stand to the side, we need you to do this, we need to do that". I felt like I was being abused and violated all over again. I hated it. I felt like a robot. I did whatever they told me to do. I just wanted them to leave me alone. I just wanted to be by myself.   I remember standing there , just in a daze while they were taking pictures of my injuries and I kept thinking of him. I was wondering how he was doing and that I hoped he was okay in jail. I know it sounds stupid. I can't tell you why I was thinking that after what he had done to me.
 Two weeks ago I had to go speak to the victim witness advocate. It was the first time I had seen the pictures.  I didn't believe the girl  in the pictures was me. I can't even think of a word that describes how horrible these pictures are. The pictures were close ups of my face, in color, blood all over my clothes, I was curled up in a  ball on the ground.  It was when I saw a certain  picture that I said to myself, this is real. This really happened to me. I kept trying to tell myself that it wasn't me. I am not that girl. I am too smart to let something like this happen to me.
 It's been about 3 and a half months since it has happened. Physically, my injuries are gone. Mentally and emotionally my injuries are still here, in full force. I don't trust anyone. No one. I don't trust family, I don't trust friends. I don't trust the court system. No one.  I replay that night in June in my head every day. I replay the whole relationship in my head. Facing yourself is one of the hardest things to do after you have been through something like this.  I can't even face myself. Maybe because I am too scared to see what's in there, maybe because I am not ready. I don't know. I just know I don't want face myself. I can't look at myself in the mirror for more than 5 seconds.  When I do look at myself in the mirror, I see nothing. I see an emptiness. I can't explain it. There is just nothing there. & whatever was there before is now gone. It's like I am looking at a ghost.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

The beginning

 I guess in order for you to fully understand my story, you should know it from the beginning. Unfortunately, I am not even sure where to start.  I am a survivor of domestic violence. I am not a victim but a survivor. The word victim brings such negative feelings and thoughts, at least to me. I don't want to walk around and be known as a victim but be known as a survivor. I am not sharing this story with you to have you feel bad for me or to hear your "sorries".  I am sharing this with you because it may help someone who is going through this type of relationship.
It all started about two years ago. In the beginning, the relationship was amazing. I loved him, he loved me. He loved my children as if they were his own. We were all so happy. He was my knight in shining armor. I wanted to spend the rest of  my life with him.
Then things started to get weird. He became very jealous and very protective. He claimed this jealousy and protectiveness was because he was so scared to loose me because he loved me so much. He had me convinced of this and I accepted it.
 Then came the verbal abuse. Calling me names such as, whore, bitch, slut. Telling me no one would love me as much as he did. I still believe to this day he had me brainwashed. He tore me apart verbally and mentally that I started to really think that the things he was saying to me were true. Then he would build me back up, telling me how beautiful I was, how special I was, and that he would never leave me and he would love me for the rest of his life and that I didn't need to change anything about me because I was perfect. The verbal abuse went on for sometime.  He then became extremely paranoid. He would sit next to me on the computer and watch what I was doing because he thought I was cheating on him. He thought I put things in his drink at night to make him fall asleep quicker so that I could sneak another man into our apartment. I would have to go to the bathroom and leave the bathroom door open because he thought I had a secret cell phone hidden in the bathroom.  We got into a huge verbal argument one night because he thought I was cheating on him. He claimed the guy I was cheating on him with was some neighbor who lived directly across from us, on the other side of the courtyard. He said that the guy is always standing at his sliding glass door watching me and I am always on the balcony looking in the neighbors direction. He was convinced I was cheating on him. The next morning when he woke up he looked out the window and realized that this "guy" he was accusing me of cheating on him with was a birdcage. Literally, like one of those huge birdcages that a parrot goes in. He said sorry to me and said it looked like the outline of a person. I continued to deal with this  because I loved him and he loved me.
I don't remember the first time he put his hands on me. There are too many to count. The physical abuse escalated with each incident. They were always worse then the ones before. At first he started with grabbing me  when I tried to walk away. Then he began to punch me in the arms, stomach, and back & kicking me in the legs. Those were places on my body where no one would see the bruises and I was always able to cover the bruises with long sleeve t-shirts. Then he got brave, he started choking me. I would have bruises on my neck, which I always covered up with turtle necks, or cover-up.  He got  even braver. He started punching me in the face. Hiding the bruises got harder to cover up so I just stayed in the house and if I did have to leave the house I would wear sunglasses or if someone asked I would say that I got the fat lip or the black eye from playing football with my son. " That  I wasn't paying attention when my son threw the ball and it hit me in the face". I thought I was slick, I was like wow, I am good at this, these people actually believe me..when in  reality I think people caught on after awhile.  who was I kidding.. these people weren't stupid.   He would punch me in my left eye and just as my left eye would clear up he would punch me in my right eye, then when that eye would start to clear up it was the other eye.This went on for a few months.
The police were called one time and he was arrested. I didn't go to court to testify against him so the charges were dropped. I was still in love with him and the last thing I wanted was for him to leave me and go to jail.  Since my children were home when the police came. The police had to call the department of children and family services.  DCF came into my home and became part of  my life.  He wasn't allowed to be around the kids but we continued to be together. DCF found out that I was allowing him around the kids and having him spend the night and things like that. So they asked me to safety plan my kids to their fathers house. Which I did without hesitation.  I felt bad that my children were seeing the things that this man was doing to me and I wanted them to be safe. I was still in love with him and I was not ready to walk away from my relationship with him. I  knew I was failing to protect my kids and they deserved better.
 Him and I continued our relationship. The abuse still went on. He would bash my head against the dash board in the car if he thought I was checking out a guy who was walking down the street. He would burn me with cigarettes in the arm. He would continue to call me names and tell me I was a whore. Since he claimed I was such a whore he would rip my clothes, off force me into the shower so he could scrub me clean because he didn't want to have sex with a dirty whore. I loved him.  I cannot tell you what made me stay except the fact that I loved him. When he wasn't being abusive he was the perfect guy. He rubbed my back, he would help do the dishes, he opened doors for me he told me how awesome I was. We laughed and joked with each other. It was  my dream relationship when he wasn't being abusive. I kept telling myself after each abusive episode that, " this is it, he's gonna change once he sees what he did to me". I always thought he was going to change after the last time.. then there would be another last time, and then another.
 In June was the worse abusive episode. He flipped out for no reason. Literally he just flipped.  We were having a great night, dancing, laughing, it was turning out to be a great night.Then somewhere along the way he started to think i was cheating on him. He grabbed me by my hair and just started punching me in the face, over and over, over. At this point, I had already learned not to fight because and just take it.  the more you fight back the longer it will last. If I just took it, it would be over soon. I fell to the floor, he started kicking me full force. He was grabbing my head  and banging it against the floor. He was kicking me in my face, my back, my ribs. He wasn't holing back at all.   I thought he was going to kill me. I mustered enough strength to fight him off and run out the front door up the drive way. I was yelling and screaming for help. He caught up to me and grab my leg and started dragging me back to the house. I kicked my shoes off and got up off the ground and started running again. I ran for the woods.
 I hid in the woods. I was curled up in a ball. I could taste blood in my mouth. I could feel the blood pouring down my face.  I kept saying to myself that I had to be super quiet or else he was going to find me and kill me. I could hear him yelling, "baby, come out, I promise I won't  hurt you", " I love you babe" " Let's go to bed".  I couldn't move I was frozen. I heard him coming into the woods, he was getting closer. I thought, do I just sit right here and be as quiet as possible or do I get up and try to run. Even if I wanted to move,I couldn't, I physically couldn't move and was just too incredibly scared to move.. He walked right pass me. He was literally about two feet in front of me. He stopped for a minute right in front of me and yelled " babe come on, please come out I love you so much".  I held my breath so he couldn't hear me breathe. He turned around and started to walk away.. he walked out of the woods and back towards the house. I continued to hide in the woods. He had broken my cell phone earlier so I had no way to call anyone for help. The closest neighbor was about a mile a way. I had no idea what to do. So many things were going through my head. I sat there, with my back against a tree holding my legs to my chest with my head down. Time was moving so slow. I felt like I had been sitting in those woods forever.  I was starting to loose consciousness when I saw headlights coming through the bushes and trees. I prayed that it was help. I saw 3 cars pull into the driveway, one behind the other, the headlights from the middle car lit up the back bumper of the first car.  I saw that the car was a  baby blue. It was the state police.  I heard them get out the cruisers. I couldn't move. I heard them walking around and finally I took a deep breath and said help me. It felt like I yelled it but I didn't. I said to myself I have to get to them because they are never going to find me in here. I started dragging myself across the ground of the woods.  I heard them getting closer.  I said help again. One of the troopers heard me. They started walking in my direction. I got enough strength to pick myself up and started running towards them. They heard me and the three of them started running towards me. I ran into one of the troopers arms.
They brought me over to the cruisers. I sat down on the ground. I was freaking out. I kept saying he is going to kill me, he is going to kill me. One of the troopers called for an ambulance. I don't really remember what they asked me or what else I was saying.  I remember seeing flashes. One of the troopers was taking pictures of me.  Another trooper went to put handcuffs on my ex and put him in the cruiser.  I was still scared that he was going to get out and get me. The trooper reassured me that he wasn't going to let that happen. Next thing I knew I was in an ambulance on my way to the hospital.  I barely remember anything from the hospital.
 The hospital staff called my kids father who lived in the same town. He came down to the hospital and when he saw me, he started crying because he thought I was dead.
The next week was a blur. I couldn't move. I couldn't eat' I couldn't figure out what was happening and what happened to me. It was a few days before I looked in the mirror and  saw my face. I couldn't believe it. I had two black eyes, my bottom and top lips were all cut up and fat. My face was swollen. one of my eyes I couldn't even open.  You couldn't even recognize me as a person.  My face was so swollen it looked like a balloon that had blown up too much and was ready to pop. I had a fractured lumbar spine. I had multiple contusions to my face and head. I was covered in bruises from head to toe.  I had cuts behind my ears and inside of my ears. It literally looked like someone took a baseball ball and just went to town on me. I just couldn't wrap my head around the whole thing.