Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Alis Grave Nil

Alis Grave Nil (nothing is heavy to those who have wings)

I felt motivated and inspired to write so I am going to do just that. Maybe some where in these words you will find motivation and inspiration as well or maybe not. My mind gets flooded with thoughts and other clutter that just needs to be let out from time to time. I have come to the basic conclusion that I have no idea what I am doing in life. When it comes down to it, I just go with the flow and deal with shit day to day and if you know me, you know I don't take the easy road or pick the easier choice out of situations. I tend to make things difficult. Some call it stubbornness, I call it, courage with a tid bit of defiance. Well behaved women rarely make history. Right?!

How many of you can wake up in the morning, look at yourself naked in the mirror and honestly say to yourself, “ I love who I am on the outside and inside”? I am sure not many, we don't see that kinda shit anymore and that's sad. I have finally gotten to the point where I can do this and it feels incredible! I'll be 27 in a few months and it's taken me all these years to realize this. Being able to look at myself in the mirror and love who is looking back has been one of my greatest battles. & you know what they say, “the greatest battles are the ones you fight against you”. That shit is so true. I had so many demons, skeletons, and regrets looking back at me in the mirror & I hated what I saw. I was absolutely disgusted in who I had become and I knew I had to change that. This was a great challenge to me because I have been physically broken down & mentally broken down by guys that said they loved me, and other people in my life that said they would always be there for me, just to have them turn their backs on me when shit got deep.
I have embraced every challenge, every choice I made, and every struggle I have ever gone through in this life and gave them love. When I was done being able to fully love & embrace those things I was able to love my physical appearance, which really wasn't difficult at all because once you face the darkness inside of you, you can face anything. I am beautiful. You are beautiful in your self-hood. Embrace your true beauty & know deep inside that you will survive. Luceat Lux Vestra. (Let your light shine)

One thing I have found out about myself in the last few years is that I believe in reincarnation and enlightenment. You need to stop waiting for things to come to you because that's not how shit works. Everything in this life is waiting to be received by you. When your soul is ready for it, it will be there. You can't get things that your soul isn't ready to have or handle yet. So just relax. My potential far exceeds what this lifetime can give me & I can't wait for the next one. This world is simply an illusion. I can't tell you what is beyond this world but I know its good. What we have been taught by society are the necessities of human survival. We have worn these belief systems as part of our costumes our whole lives. Our physical appearance is part of this costume. Just like when kids get dressed up for Halloween. I often ask God or whoever or whatever is up there , “why am I going through all this crap?” I mean really enough is enough already. At some point I stopped asking why me and why not me. I have realized that my soul is strong enough to handle all of these things. My soul has taken on some of these struggles and challenges because other souls weren't strong enough to handle them and I have chosen to suffer for them because the pain was to great for them to deal with. To me that is really empowering & I love & respect my soul more for it. When you have finally found your willingness to learn from everything, absolutely nothing in this world is wrong.

I have gotten to this point in my life by love and forgiveness. Without those things I would be a miserable person. I have been able to forgive myself for choices I have made. I have been able to forgive every single person who has ever hurt me physically,verbally and mentally. That is not easy. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I do have my bad days just like everyone else. When you finally get rid of old pain and forgive people, you are brought to another level of love. Not only love for yourself but love for others as well. Remember your past is your golden set of encyclopedias of learning, knowledge, and experiences to help you be a better person. Luctor Et Emergo ( I struggle and emerge)

Love is something that is unexplainable. I certainly cannot explain it. I can feel it and it feels amazing. Love for yourself, love for others, love for everything in this life is the driving force behind every human. As a person, mother and someday a wife, my love has no limits. You need to understand there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Don't search for love if you are lonely because nothing good will come out of that.. at least from what I have experienced. It's okay to be alone. I am alone a lot of the time and I think that is why I have grown so much as a person. I have had the time to search within myself and change the things that needed to be changed & learned to love myself on a whole different level.

I am ready for whatever the universe throws at me and welcome whatever it is with open loving arms.

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