Sunday, October 23, 2011

Realization and Reflection

After having been through something like this every 6 months or so you come to these pivotal turning points that either make you or break you when it comes to domestic violence.  To still have people telling me a year and a half later that I am lucky to be alive means a lot to me and truly makes me thankful for so many things.  The abuse I went through for years was a horrible thing, but now that time has passed I am able to see the beauty and truth in something so incredibly ugly. If you have never read the Tao Te Ching , I suggest you read it. 
I still have dreams of that night and of the other beatings. They are vivid but they don't occur as much as they used to.  Many people tell me I would make a great domestic violence advocate but my passion isn't in that area. It hits to close to home and I am not ready for that. Maybe years down the road but not right now. That is why  I enjoy working with juveniles so much  now.  If I can make a positive impact on them now then I may be able to change their future path for the better.
 I guess what brought this whole writing session  was because the man who did this to me contacted me this weekend.  I wasn't really to mentally deal with it. I wasn't ready to hear his voice or even exchange text messages with him. . He just isn't a typical ex he's the man who left me for dead in the woods. And if I ever told my family he contacted me shit would literally hit the fan. I just feel that somethings are left for me to deal with and process in my own time and on my own level. Which is something my family doesn't understand. They also don't understand the fact that I have no hate or bitterness towards him. I wholeheartedly  hope that he excels in whatever goals and dreams  he tries to meet.
Sometimes you get stuck in a moment and people are so quick to try and get out of that moment and run from it.. instead of running from it.. embrace it and just be in the moment with being stuck. Don't dwell on it. Don't let it eat you alive, but in order for you to grow and become better, spend time with that stuck  moment so you are fully able to take away every learning experience you can.Maybe you are being a stuck moment for a reason.
I  have had an easier life than some yet a more difficult like than others.
 I guess I am just dealing with all these feelings  that I can't even describe or label and maybe it's supposed to be that way right now. Sitting in your feelings and figuring out the primary cause as to why you are feeling that  is a hard thing to do..When I was feeling these things before I would drink because I didn't even want to deal with them or even accept them.
When I look back to a year and a half ago and realize at where I am now and how happy and content I am with the way things in my life are now I wouldn't have believed it for a minute. I am not saying I am 100% healed because by no means am I. Sharing my experiences and my story help me to organize my thoughts and feelings. I am constantly evolving. Things I used to believe in I no longer  believe in and things that I never thought even existed are now  the most important components of  my life .
Every time I wake up and look at myself in the mirror I am still amazed to see my face and the rest of my body without a bruise . Some people may think I am cocky or whatever but that's not it at all.. its the fact of not looking at myself with black eyes and broken noses or fat lips What a truly amazing feeling it is.. People don't realize how beautiful they truly are until that beauty has been taken away .

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