Tuesday, March 22, 2011

fuck my feelings

 I haven't written in a while so I am not even sure where to begin.... so much has happened in the last few months.. more so on a self worth & self respect growth level than anything else.. I still think about him.. every day... I can't get him out of my head and it sucks..  I have constant daily reminders of him because of what a serious situation it evolved into.  I would love to sit here and honestly say I don't love him anymore but there are, unfortunately, still parts of me that are still in love with him. Which makes this whole "healing process"  a hell of a lot harder.  I keep expecting myself to just wake up in the morning and be completely over the situation.  People are always asking me, " why and how could you still be in love with him after what he did to you?" the best answer I can give people is,  that it is just like any other break up when you are trying to get over someone. I guess it just takes time.. I never thought I would be so affected by what he did to me..I'm still, till this day having nightmares. I hate sleeping because of it and the only time I don't have nightmares about it is when I get drunk and pass out. For a few months I was drinking a lot.. just to get to sleep and not remember anything I dreamed about.. it seemed to be the only way I could sleep. I haven't drank heavily in a few weeks...  I've been out to have a few beers but not completely  black out drunk like I was getting. 

I still don't trust anyone.. not a single person.. not even anyone in my family..  I  hope that one day, that changes and I am able to trust at least one person. It's an empty cold world when you have no one to trust.

Once again the physical damage is gone but the mental damage is still there. I just want one day where I don't think about it. Just one day. I am constantly taking pictures of myself and looking at them and looking at my self in the mirror... and that's not on some cocky or conceded shit. It's because I am finally able to see my actual face without bruises, black eyes, or a broken nose.  It's been 10 months since I have had a bruise or broken bone and I can't even begin to explain what  that feels like. Or I guess I should say since the last beating because the bruises from the last beating stayed for months, it looked like I had permanent black eyes this past summer.

I think my true test is going to be when he gets out of prison and the strength and courage for me to stay away from him. I know he's going to contact me when he gets out. I got mail from him today. Two cards and two letters. I opened one of the cards.. it was a belated birthday card. He wrote, " I promise to make it up to you every single day for the rest of my life. I love you and miss you endlessly. You will always be my sweetheart."
uughh.. I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I'm writing this... I don't even know what to say or think.. Half of me is disgusted and the other half of me thinks, "what if he truly changes?" I am literally torn in two. I always tell myself , "one day at a time Court" just take it one day at a time...  but this one day at a time bullshit pep talk is no longer working. 

I have had to re-establish everything about myself. From the ground up. Everything I have ever believed in I questioned. Everything. Who I was as a person, my whole entire existence in this world I questioned. I had no idea who I was. I am slowly starting to figure that out. It seems like this whole issue has brought me to this "rebirth" stage in my life.. it's like I am snake shedding my old skin... but I'm stuck at that point where half of me is new skin and the other  half of me is the old skin that is slowly shedding off... I keep trying to push the old skin off but the more I try to push it off the harder it gets to let go... I guess when it's ready to come off, it will on its own. I am in a rush tho.. I want to hurry up and be the person I'm meant to be because I am excited about this whole transformation. I wake up every  morning expecting to feel different but I don't.

This summer I made an oath to myself.. this is it... 
 "I pledge to become a Reborn Virgin and preserve my virginity, despite my prior conduct. As of this moment in time, my past is forgiven and forgotten as I now go forth to lead the life I desire to live. I promise to make myself my foremost priority, and nurture a full, rich and rewarding life of my own making. I will never put myself in peril by engaging in risky behavior. I will not generate or tolerate unhealthy relationships in my life. I pledge to practice abstinence (no sex, oral sex, mutual masturbation, or touching genitals) until after I am married. I promise to marry my best friend, someone I've dated for at least a full year and someone I've come to know inside and out. I vow to constantly work on my marriage, to make it strong and viable so I can appreciate it for the rest of my life. I pledge to be open and honest in my spousal relationship.If there's trauma in our marriage, we will work out our troubles with the guidance of a therapist, counselor or religious leader. I pledge to live the life of a Reborn Virgin, and promise these things in my heart."

I have been able to keep this oath.. it's been almost a year! I have been able to gain self respect and self worth and  I feel like a whole different person on a sexual level. I honestly can't believe I have been able to uphold this.. I mean almost a year with no sex.. I haven't even kissed a guy! Sure, I am sexually frustrated and have my moments where I just want to be bent over the couch, etc. etc., but to be able to give the man I love and who truly loves me, my reborn virginity means more to me than a quick fix. 

that's it for now.. I am going to take a hot shower and try to relax.... 

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